Dear Lance Armstrong

Dear Lance Armstrong,

Most people are of two minds about you. But I think the majority of people who don't know too much about you come down on the favorable side.

Everyone knows you were probably doping your whole career, but so did everybody else you raced against, so it's almost a wash. And besides, even if someone's a stickler when it comes to drugs, they can always stick their head in the sand and believe all that shit you spew about being the most tested athlete in the world and never getting caught. I'm personally pretty ambivalent about the drugs. And if that's the only stain on your record that the average person considers, they'll usually still come away with a positive impression. After all you did beat cancer and go on to win the Tour de France seven times in a row, start a huge cancer charity, make road biking popular in the U.S., and manage to piss off a lot of French people- an achievement which most of us on this side of the Atlantic can really appreciate.

Like I said, it's not the drugs that bother me. It's the fact that you're a huge dick. I had the good fortune to live in Austin a couple years back, where your fame is slowly metamorphosing into infamy. Like a recently retired spouse, everyone in Austin quickly realized that they actually liked it better when you spent the majority of your time at work. It's not just the other people living in your neighborhood who wish you were spending six months a year training in Spain. You pretty much menace everyone, everywhere you go, all the time. I've heard more than one tale about you cruising into a restaurant, bitching about your food, refusing to pay for it, berating the manager, and then stiffing the service. You spew your rancid dick juice and unload pompous temper-tantrums at anyone in your vicinity, leaving a slime trail of oozing inferiority complex in your wake.

Here's a picture of Lance Armstrong taking a tinkle in his neighbor's pool.

One of my Austin friends worked security at Austin City Limits, and his boss told everyone at training the day before the festival to watch out for Armstrong. My friend was instructed that if Lance Armstrong tries to cut the line and then demands to be let in without a ticket, go get a manager. Do not try to argue with him yourself. Apparently Lance tries to crash ACL every year, and then goes on a tear if he doesn't get the VIP treatment. Somehow seven Tour de France titles, sponsorships, millions of dollars, and getting to bang an Olsen twin aren't enough; now you demand the right to cut in front of everyone and get free tickets to musical festivals. You're the epitome of a small man; a petty tyrant. Watching a sore loser is always cringe-worthy, but at least it's empathizable. An asshole winner is far worse.

Here's a picture of Lance Armstrong trying to get to the ACL fairgrounds in time to catch the Red Hot Chili Peppers. He's making pretty good time, yet sadly the show is already sold out. But wait! Lance doesn't care. He plans on clubbing the proles down with that big dumb hat of his until he's at the front of the line, then screaming at a ticket taker who's making $8/hr until she has an emotional breakdown and lets him in for free. Now I'm no CSI forensics expert, but judging by the scratches on the helmet, I'd say this isn't the first time Lance has unleashed his rage on the "little people." Strong living indeed. At least he still has the fire, I guess.

I want to have your back on this current USADA suit. I don't want to see you lose your seven titles only to have them go to the second place doper who wasn't caught. I want to draw inspiration from your personal struggle with cancer. I want to appreciate the work you've done with the Livestrong foundation. But that's all really hard to do while knowing that you are a giant cock.

I don't know if it's the 'roid rage that's to blame or what. But Jesus, Lance. Take it down a notch. Forget getting banned from cycling. At the rate you're going, you're going to get banned from Austin.

Sebastian Braff


  1. The second place dopers were all caught, they'll probably either vacate the titles. Either way the doping is enough for me. The amount of charity one does can never make up for the failure to treat even one person as a human being.

  2. Good news, the second place guy that would get his title? Already caught.

  3. Right, although I'm sure that if you go down the list, the shirts would eventually be conferred on riders who also took drugs, only more discreetly.

  4. I agree.

    Except even Livestrong is a farce now:

    They have not donated ANY money to cancer research in years and have morphed into a Lance PR machine. Bottom line is Lance has zero redeeming value to me and I just want him to go away. At this point I don't care if 'retires' or gets banned but he needs to go away and stop detracting from legit athletes that are winning.

    Why is it that some athletes suffer from Michael Jordan syndrome? Why can't they just stop competing? I suppose part of the answer is competition is such a huge part of their lives... it's probably a big reason why they also cheat in the first place.

  5. You either have a Lance Armstrong story or you've heard of one. Lance's reputation is, as you note, turning to mud. The guy is so full of himself. This incident happened in '08, but not much has changed since then:
    With him fighting to preserve his shattered image, it'll be amusing to see how those supporting him distance themselves from him. Oh yeah, thought he was "done" fighting.

  6. 1) Lance didn't beat cancer. Surviving cancer is a lottery. Scientificly evidenced.
    2) Livestrong is a joke, not a charity. Raising awareness for an egomaniac, paying for jet fuel on his visits to shake hands with cancer victims, while he collects appearance fees for his private a/c. Livestrong is a big cancer profiteering business. Just scrutinise their accounting records. Big biz for Nike too, so paying big sponsoring bucks to Lance entities a/o private a/c. And lastly a perfect shield to always use against doping accusations.
    3) He was a great admirable cyclist
    4) It's good he has been fighting against smoking
    5) Unfortunately, his character is so disgusting, further evidenced by many actions during the recent weeks and months in relation to the accusations.
    6) He's just a liar and cheater, let's face it. His fortune is based on one big lie/cheat that helped him to steal 7 Tour de France titles. It doesn't matter that all other contenders were doped too (which I assume).

    1. I COMPLETELY agree with everything you've just said, especially point number 1. I have survived cancer too. And no, I'm not athlete but I have a bachelors degree, a masters and a post-grad. So in my own way, I guess I'm a successful person. But have I ever cheated on a test or exam? Of course not!!! I'm NOT a cheat! I don't keep my cancer hidden, but I don't go out of my way to promote my achievements on the back of it. Why? Because that would be a VILE thing to do.
      (and to address point number 7, yes, others were cheating too, but it was Armstrong who had the special treatment from the 'doctors' and cycling bodies, so it was NOT a level playing field as Tyler Hamilton and 9 team mates attest to in Hamilton's new book, due out next week I think.

  7. The sad thing is he may well have won some or maybe even all of his 7 tdf without cheating
    But he's such a control freak he would never have taken the chance. Pathetic excuse for a man

  8. Please note that the above photo of Lance Armstrong was NOT taken by Sebastian Braff. It was taken by me, Anita Ritenour, at the Amgen Touf of CA time trial in Los Olivos in Feb. 2009. This is blatant copyright infringement not to mention a bald face lie. Who's lying now, Mr Braff? I respectively request you remove this photo immediately. Please do this now and save me the trouble of notifying Google of the copyright ingringement.

    1. Dear Anita Ritenour,

      You are correct. The above photo was not taken by me, nor is it actually a picture of Lance Armstrong donned in his full time-trial regalia in order to race to a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert so he can "club down the proles."

      Here's a link to a Wikipedia article entitled "Fair use" so that you can clear up any confusion you might have about U.S. copyright law.

      I would offer a link to help you learn more about satire, but you're already here, so I'm not sure what more I can do for you.

      One last thing, though. I'm not sure what you meant by "Who's lying now, Mr Braff?" I read through my letter once more just to be sure, and I have confirmed that this article not about lying. It's about being a dick. And so, in the spirit of this article, I'm going to throw up a link to your flickr account under the photo. What can I say? I'm a nice guy like that.

      Sebastian Braff

      P.S. I got so excited after reading about Fair Use that I decided your photo could use a few improvements. It's a nice shot, but it lacked a certain... je ne sais quoi. Now don't worry; like I said, I'm a nice guy, so I took the initiative and fixed it up for you. She's a real beauty, now. You're welcome to post it up on your flickr if you'd like, but I'd better see attribution.


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