Dear Federal Government

Dear Federal Government,

The balance of power between the federal and state level has been an issue of contention since the American Colonies' initial foray into the business of self-government. Over the last two hundred years, the equilibrium point between federal authority and state autonomy has run the spectrum from loose confederation to today's fully federal system. Under the current reading of our constitution, it would certainly be considered an infringement of state's rights if the federal government decided to deploy military force against one of the fifty states for any reason short of sedition or to enforce a Supreme Court ruling. However, desperate times call for desperate measures, and I believe that a situation has arisen in one of our Mid-Atlantic states which calls for unconventional and immediate action. I am reminded of our own unconventional and radical document, The Declaration of Independence.

"When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to show the state of Maryland that we've all had quite enough of its high-horsed, holier-than-thou attitude, and start punishing Maryland through whatever military or economic warfare necessary until Maryland cuts out its snob-nosed bullshit, recognizes how much everyone hates it and why, stops being a douchebag and eats a towering slice of humble pie, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them push Maryland off the continent and into the Atlantic Ocean."

These Old Bay-shoveling, hammer-wielding crab-smackers have terrorized the country with their hoity-toity mannerisms, beach houses, and snobby ways of life for long enough, and I for one would not consider any action too extreme that curbs this behavior and restores balance, respect, and more perfection to our union.

Maryland has a long history of annoying everyone around it, and of being the kind of neighbor who you just know is gossiping about you to everyone else on the block. The testimony against Maryland has really started to mount. In 2009, straightchilllz reported in an article published by the prestigious Yahoo! Answers community, "Maryland sucks. I live in Harford County, MD, which is the most boring and stuck up place anyone could ever live. There's nothing to do. There's only like 2 good 18 and older clubs in Baltimore. The only good looking girls out here are white girls (since the towns [sic] 88% white). Most of them are stuck up. All I do is skateboard. I hate Maryland. Who agrees?" I agree, straightchilllz, and in the same prestigious, scholarly journal, raghav published his seminal essay, "Girls are mean in Maryland they are stuck up and selfish would you date me? Girls only!?" in December of 2010. As any modern day thinker who would lay claim to the title "intellectual" is undoubtedly already familiar with raghav's work, I see no reason to elucidate his piece further here. Not all the condemnation against Maryland is coming from the intellectual community. The "regular people"  have felt the weight of Maryland's off-putting arrogance as well. Just last year a discussion board was started on Facebook entitled, "all md state cops get stuck up when they are in the wrong."

Julian Fellowes describes the way Marylanders talk in her book, Snobs. "He had that odd, mid-Atlantic manner of speech that reminds one of a television chat show where every trivial remark is supposed (a) to denote a caring soul and (b) to bring all reasonable conjecture on the subject to an end." The hubris of this state. It's gone beyond the pale. I went on Maryland's official website for the Office of Tourism to get their point of view, but it was impossible to wade through the great sea of self-congratulations, narcissistic pats on the back, and self-obsessed horn-tooting far enough to find any real answers. What I did find out is how great Assateague is, how much better their beaches are than everybody else's, and how we should all go to Williamsport sometime so we can tell them how historically significant and awesome they are. The gall of these people.

And it's not like Maryland denies it. Writing about Paul Jury's Youtube video in The Baltimore Sun, columnist Luke Broadwater described the accurate parody which hit so close to home. "For our fair state, Jury positioned himself on a couch in [sic] comfortable-looking living room, holding a glass of red wine. He said, 'Have Jeeves bring the lobster boat around.'"

Maryland has been a pretentious little bitch from the very beginning. While never having so much as taken a college-level biology class, Maryland had the audacity to pick out MD as its shorthand initials. And you better believe those douchey Marylanders take advantage of the fact. I once met a man who introduced himself to me as Mark Tollman, MD. I asked him what field of medicine he specialized in, and without so much as a flicker of shame, he informed me that he just liked to offer his state of residence after his name. The hell he does. Maryland's professional baseball team is the Orioles, their pro football team is the Ravens, and their pro lacrosse team is the Bayhawks, all birds that like to fly around on high and shit on people below. Coincidence? I think not.

These Albarino-sipping, Oyster-on-the-half-shell-eating Terrapin-Lovers need to be put back in their place. Their arrogance is insufferable, their sports teams are cocky, and their Old Bay seasoning contains too much sodium. If there was ever a doubt as to Maryland's feelings towards the rest of us, just take a look at this smarmy Marylander bastard, Philip Glass.

"I think I speak for all of fairest Mary-land when I say, 'We despise you.'" - Philip Glass

His enormous ego can't be satisfied even to stick within the limits of my text margins.

Sebastian Braff


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