Dear Starbucks

Dear Starbucks,

I heard somewhere that you would be offering free Wi-Fi, so I went to your website and sure enough, the rumors are true. Two consecutive hours of free Wi-Fi per day with a registered Starbucks card.

"This is incredible news!"

... I would have said if I were talking to you through a time/space vortex from ten years ago.  But I'm not talking to you through a time-travel portal, I'm talking to you through a Wi-Fi portal at Panera Bread, which is where I buy coffee and spend my mornings online.

You see Starbucks, Panera already has free Wi-Fi, along with EVERY OTHER COFFEE-SERVING INSTITUTION IN THE DEVELOPED WORLD. When I think of places to drink coffee and access the internet, Starbucks ranks somewhere between Denny's (OK coffee/Free Wi-Fi) and my grandma's house (shitty coffee/Free dial-up).

I used to patronize your establishment. It was the cool place to hang out when the locally owned brew-house was closed because the owner-proprietor had to boost his hipster cred by doing hip things like spending a year in Tibet or growing dreadlocks.

Then one day young Mr. Braff got his first notebook computer. It was an exciting day in my life. I was in college at the time, and I had been anticipating all the cool college stuff I could do with it. One of my first thoughts was to rush to Starbucks and try out the Wireless Internet! I had seen so many people in there, modeling their glossy, white Macbooks in tantalizingly hip poses; seeping ennui like soggy tofu. Sure, I only had a Dell, but I couldn't wait to prop my thick slab of a computer on one knee and lazily peck at the keyboard with that nonchalant hand of God from the Sistine Chapel.

Imagine my dismay. Needless to say, the first day I got my laptop was the last day I went to Starbucks.

In summary, welcome to the party, Starbucks. Congratulations. I assume you were going for fashionably late, but I think it's safe to say that you've missed that window. You're more like the guy who shows up completely blitzed at five A.M and starts punching the front door until the host wakes up enough to call the police.

Sebastian Braff


Popular Posts