Dear HR Manager at Every Place I've Ever Worked

Dear HR Manager at Every Place I've Ever Worked,

Stop giving me free T-shirts as rewards/prizes. I've had just about enough.

"Oh wow, Sebastian. You've won our weekly employee drawing! Here's a free T-shirt!" Sound familiar? It should. You said it, or something like it. All of you. Then you handed me an aesthetically deficient XL T-shirt with your corporate logo on at least three sides of it.


First off, I'm not extra large. And this isn't the nineties- I don't skate or listen to grunge anymore, so I have no use for an XL T-shirt.

Secondly, how is free advertising a reward for me? That's more of a reward for you, isn't it? If you're going to try to use my wide, manly chest as a host for your parasitic logo, at least be upfront about it. "Oh wow, Sebastian. You've won employee of the month. We were all hoping you'd go the extra mile and sully your physical appearance during your off time by wearing human drapery with our garish corporate logo emblazoned on both sides- sort of like that guy we pay to walk around outside with two giant wooden signs strapped fore and aft. Here's a free T-shirt!"

I don't wear clothing with giant logos. If it's larger than a little crocodile or a tiny man swinging a mallet whilst mounted on a miniature horse, then the logo is too big in my book. And even if I was the kind of guy who needed brand identification to vouch for my character, Office Depot Warehouse 2719 is the last brand  I would want to be identified with.

In short, if I've done something good, give me a real reward, like paid time off... or start diverting some of that Super Bowl ad money to subsidize me wearing your shirt. If wearing giant, logo-riddled T-shirts ever becomes even slightly lucrative, I have a pile of them on the floor in the back of my closet big enough to go pro.

Sincerely,
Sebastian Braff

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