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Dear Parents,

Anyone who knows me knows I don't exactly "have a heart for children." In 2013 I wrote a post suggesting, nay, demanding a return to the good old days of child labor. And I still insist that it builds character. Calvin's dad would agree with me.

I don't have a lot of patience with children either. I would make a very vindictive Santa. 

Steven- threw a Hot Wheels car into the soup at dinner. Naughty.

Theresa- asked to drink out of an adult's soda can multiple times. Naughty.

Noah- took off his socks without asking. Naughty.

Henrietta- keeps looking at my french fries and winking like she wants one. Naughty.

Rosa- will not keep her hat on. Naughty.

Scott- called his sister a poopy head. Naughty.

Zach- laughing with the pure joy of a child's innocence... after the halftime show was over. Naughty.

Christmas would be a lot easier, though. All the elves could have the season off; winter in the tropics if they wanted. All I'd need is a container-ship-worth of coal an…

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